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The Most Pathetic One Alive

When I was a young boy I used to try and imagine who the most pathetic person alive would be. I thought that I should not feel so badly, should not feel so picked on when there was someone alive who was ever more pathetic.

As I grew older I started to think of this question in differing ways. Who, objectively, in all of humanity, has it the worst? Who is the most pathetic?

To study this objectively one would have to create parameters for determining the Pathetic Quotient. One could not simply rest on physical problems nor mental ones. One could not only take into account the fact that a person was from the lowest socio-economic class or whether the person was from a persecuted class or race. One would also have to take into account the Irony Variable, had the person taken a great fall? Had the person once been, say, a vigorous athlete now reduced to severe handicap and poverty?

I realize now, since I have been of the world and understand how these things work, that a grant is in order. I am therefore asking that any interested parties open wide their pocketbooks and make a donation to the Pathetic Quotient Fund.

Upon receipt of your contribution, and once a list of top PQ scorers has been assembled, you will receive one of the following gifts [based on the generosity of your gift]:

$100: An autographed [assuming the person is able to manipulate writing instruments] 8x10 full colour glossy of a Top PQ Scorer, suitable for framing.

$500: An audio cassette of the Top PQ Scorer reciting poetry or some other folk-style work of audio art.

$1500: A chance for you to house the Top PQ Scorer for a weekend at your place of residence.

We here at the Plaza of the Mind look forward to your contributions , keep in mind that it may be a considerable span of time between your actual donation and the reciept of your gift due to the overwhelming amount of research this project entails. Also be aware that we are not accepting donations yet. We are still auditioning legal representatives versed in such matters so as to avoid needless legal hassles. The Paypal logo above is used strictly for illustration and should not be used as a link to that site until this program is underway.

We will keep you posted, in the meantime, think about what you will say once you've met the most Pathetic one alive.

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